How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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