I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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