sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
