she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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