somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Randomize
