party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
