i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
