Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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