I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Randomize
