she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
