I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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