OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
