drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
