Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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