i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
