OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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