I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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