...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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