i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
