you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
