I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
