Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
