We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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