So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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