I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
