alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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