I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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