Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
