I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
