I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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