I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
