Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
