We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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