these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
