his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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