How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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