Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
