I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
