You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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