Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
