I swear she didn't look like that last week.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
