Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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