I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When are your genitals available?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
