I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she told me i tasted like america
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
