I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
