Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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