I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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