i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I need to sanitize my soul.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
