I think im going to throw up on grandma
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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