but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
