Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
