Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
