I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
