i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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