Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
